Institution

At what point do you decide that your child can no longer live with you? Yesterday Anthony poked me in the chest and pushed as hard as he could, I tripped back but didn't fall down.  Later, he smacked me right in my nose, it really hurt! He never makes a fist but it was as hard as you could be hit without one.  It was Sunday, he was tense, he has a cold, there are a million reasons why and I don't like it but it's not the end of the world. 

What is more troubling is that he pees through his pullup, and clothes, and bedding every night of his life.  And I can't figure out what to do about it.  I think he pees more than a normal person but I will be damned if I can figure out how this is a problem, like I can't find out any way to stop it or help it or .. stop it.  We have talked about it so much, we have good sheets, and mattress pads so that they get peed on, but there's no pee on the bed, but it's every day.  And he wears these pajamas that zip up the back so that if he poos he can't get to it but they are getting too small and he's in the biggest size, so what do we do? I mean, he is okay on toilet training, he's pretty good, even, but this peeing at night, I don't know what to do about it and I guess I never will. 

I think, be patient.  Keep working on it.  I think, you are not doing enough, you are leaving him out to dry! You are not helping your son and that is your only job! Help him! But I don't know how, I don't know what to do, how to make him ... not be the way that he is.  Thank GOD and I mean that sincerely, his seizures seem to be under control.  But the doctor that he has told us she recommended this medicine that caused drooling and slow thinking.  I don't want to give him that! Why is that the option? Slow thinking? What does that even mean? So that is not a problem for now because he is doing okay but when it invariably comes up that he needs something else, is that our only option? Don't ask me because we are so rarely able to talk to that neurologist I can't even tell you.  It sucks so hard, I feel like I'm trying to get an audience with the mother effing QUEEN or something and I'm some peasant girl.  I don't know what to do. 

Tick, tick, tick, I can hear time ticking away like the stupid tell tale heart or something, as he gets older and older, bigger and badder.  We are supposed to start with a new respite company (erg) here soon and I'm hopeful (because I'm a dummy) that it will be helpful.  Maybe he is just sick of me?  That would be fine, that would be something I could fix.  But it's so hard to try all your life to figure out what will help someone who just hits you in the face.